


Denial

by letterword



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9585539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letterword/pseuds/letterword
Summary: Serena is shattered after Elinor's death.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is very sad and quite dark. So don't read if you don't like sad stuff.  
> Also Serena is quite harsh.

After the wake, the house is like a florists. Blooming beauty of flowers in different colours honours the death of a soul, too young to die.  
Jason and Bernie are silently putting away the dishes, cleaning the house, while Serena is seated on the sofa with a glass of wine. She stares blankly in the corner of the room, doesn’t blink when Bernie or Jason pass her. She doesn’t hear any noise. Her head is empty. She has no idea what to think or feel. She’s tired. 

After they finish with the cleaning Bernie draws Serena a bath. She takes her hand and leads her to the ensuite, sitting quietly next to the bathtub, holding Serena’s hand, while she cries.  
“Do you know what am I now?” Serena asks, her voice raspy from all the crying.  
“What?”  
“I am a childless mother. She … She can’t be gone, Bernie, no!”  
Bernie pulled Serena as close as she could and hugged her, never minding getting wet. Serena was sobbing, and Bernie couldn’t help herself, tears started pouring down her face too. She could not believe what has happened to Serena. After the sobbing stops she slips out of her embrace and gets her a towel. 

When in bed, Bernie holds Serena, when she cries and cries, till the only thing piercing the silence of the night are quiet sobs. 

Serena doesn’t sleep. She just drifts from the horror of being awake to the painful intervals of light sleep. Her mind is racing with images and what ifs and she doesn’t get any rest. Somewhere in the time she untangled herself from Bernie’s embrace, so she quietly sneaks out of the bedroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen. She takes the half-empty bottle of wine and pours herself a glass and empties it. And then another. And another. Serena avoids anything and everything that could directly implore that Elinor is dead. She never goes to her room, she keeps her stuff away from sight. It doesn’t work but she hasn’t got the strength to see the stuff that could remind her of her loss. She opens another bottle and downs another couple of glasses. She brushes her teeth and returns to the bedroom, lies down. She has no idea that Bernie is awake. In her tipsy state she falls asleep for a few hours. 

Next few evenings and nights are spent like that. Trying to fall asleep, battling with thoughts and feelings rushing through her. Quietly sneaking downstairs, getting drunk and falling asleep next to the woman she loves, without knowing she is awake.  
One morning suddenly Serena realises that she is angry. In her half-hungover state, staring at her reflection in her bathroom mirror she realises, that the feeling of anger is greater than her sadness. Everything accompanied with a great deal of hopelessness. She is a childless mother. Who would have thought that this could happen?

Bernie doesn’t say anything when she notices the empty bottle in the trash … Again. She greets Serena with a smile and a cup of strong coffee. She makes breakfast but Serena only takes 2 bites of toast, her stomach twisted in knots. Bernie asks her how is she feeling. She looks at her and shakes her head and says “I don’t know.” Bernie holds her again when she starts crying, and shaking. She suddenly rips herself out of Bernie’s arms and storms to the counter. She grabs the vase filled with, now already sad looking roses, and smashes it on the ground. “THIS IS NOT FAIR! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? GOD? CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHY? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO YOU? WHY MY BABY?” When screaming she pushed the rest of the flowers off the counter. “TAKE THE STUPID FLOWERS TOO! I DON’T NEED THEM! I NEED HER!”

Bernie jumps closer and hugs her, they both sink to the floor without words. Serena keeps crying and sobbing, clenching Bernie’s shirt. Jason hurries to the kitchen from his room, his mobility still affected by the accident. “What happened?”  
“Nothing,” Bernie says.  
Jason knew that something happened, but he says nothing, because his aunty just lost her daughter, his cousin. He knows what it means to lose someone, and he knows what happens when somebody dies. But it is not his place to say anything.

Bernie cleans the mess, when Serena pours herself a large glass of wine. Bernie’s eyes keep drifting from the glass to Serena’s face. It’s only 9 in the morning. This has never happened before. Serena ignores her. Downs her glass and refills it.  
“Serena, you shouldn’t drink that much,”  
“How much?  
“I mean, it’s only 9, and you are to down your second glass of wine! You haven’t even finished your coffee.” Bernie snaps at Serena. She is worried. She knows Serena usually drinks more than two glasses a day, it’s not unusual, but at this hour?  
“Relax, it’s just for me to calm down. I don’t have a problem or something.”

Bernie says nothing. She just takes her glass and takes her to the living room and sits next to her on the couch.  
“Serena this won’t help,” she says softly.  
Serena looks at her: “you have no idea what I am going through. You have NO idea. You barely see your children, you abandoned them when you were in the army, and now you want to pretend to understand how I am feeling? And dictating how I am coping? Why haven’t you ran away yet? I just want you to leave and leave me alone.”  
“You really want me to leave?”  
“What are you still doing here?”  
Hearing those words, Bernie stands up, gets her clothes. On the way up she asks Jason to keep her updated. He nods. She puts her index to her lips “Don’t tell Serena I asked you that.”  
She just squeezes his shoulder and heads out through the door.  
Hearing the door slam Serena buries her head into her hands and starts crying.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think :)


End file.
